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For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my private and work life. It annoys my close ones and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or making inquiries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that professional help might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, ignore, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and worry.

Even thinking things through can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This approach will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.